Well, the body I was trapped in was growing. And as I was becoming a teenager, I was also becoming nervous. This is because I was gaining some height, and I was worried that I would end up “freakishly tall” – something over 6 feet 2 inches, surely, and most likely more like 7 feet. So when my growth spurt began to slow, and then came to a stop at 5 feet 10 inches, I remember being super relieved. I could live with, even enjoy, this amount of height, I decided. (The only really frustrating aspect was that most of the boys my age were shorter than me – significantly shorter – and I did like the boys…)
But here's the essence of this trapped feeling I'm writing about: I was coming to see and believe – and it made sense to me, deep inside my soul – that I’m an eternal being living in a mortal body. It was what I had sensed at a young age, long before I could begin to articulate it, or understand what might explain my feelings.
One of the signposts of this phenomenon - which, by the way, I think we all are experiencing - is probably so obvious to most people, that they simply overlook it. This sign, at least as I see it, is a basic discontent with the status quo of this life. Think for a moment about all the things that bother many of us: disorganization, sickness, death, unfairness, evil deeds (murder, rape, etc.), and the tyranny of bodily sustenance through work or other means. These range from bothersome to tragic, and are that to a majority of people across the earth, whether in developed or developing countries.
And then there’s the whole issue of time... C.S. Lewis discussed how our frustration with time is an indicator of eternity. When I first read this (as a C.S. Lewis quote in A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken), it really made me think. Why are we so amazed by the passing of time? If we were created for time, would it surprise us like it does? Would we exclaim over and over how we can’t believe another week or year has gone by?
It was when I began to accept that I was created for eternity, that the truth of what I had been taught in my early years started to make sense. Not the legalism…not the “don’t play cards” or the “don’t go into a bar,” or other similar messages... But what began to make sense was that there was a plan. A plan that, deep inside of me, made more sense than the one my body seemed to be stuck with.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
This, my story... (part 1 of 4)
I remember the first time I knew I was trapped inside the wrong body. (Please stay with me here, I'll explain as I go...) It’s not like the body I was in didn’t feel like mine. It definitely did. It looked, smelled, and acted like me, and I basically liked me—including my body. But there was this strange feeling growing deep inside of me that I was living in a foreign place. (And I’ll be honest; at times it freaked me out!)
I’d be lying on the sofa in the middle of a Saturday afternoon and suddenly I’d get this weird feeling, like: "What is this life I’m living? Where did I come from and where am I going?" And this was at a pretty early age…maybe late elementary school or young teen years.
I grew up in a Christian family, which does not mean a perfect family, but a pretty good family... I had a mom (she’s still living—89 years old) and dad who loved me and taught me about God. I also grew up with two sisters, with about five years between us, and yes…I’m the middle child. My mom and dad taught me to obey certain rules, like: don’t go to movies, don’t dance, don’t have sex before marriage, etc. And they encouraged me to do certain things, like: play the piano with expression, care about what others think, share the gospel message, and give to the church and missions.
Because of the rules, I didn’t go to my first movie until age 13. It was The Poseidon Adventure, and I loved the experience of going to it with my best friend. But it wasn’t my first step into life beyond the rules. A few years earlier I had fiercely debated my mom over the pros and cons (or apparent indecencies) of dancing in gym class. It was a thrilling day when I finally won, and got to dance the gym class away with all of my peers. The victory was relished…even though I knew the only reason she gave in was because I told her that another church elder’s son was dancing with the class. Nevertheless, it was a victory in truth for me. I couldn’t see why it was wrong, and it turned out I was right. Or at least my argued assumption was determined reasonable enough to allow me to dance in that direction.
You might think I was a little resentful about being raised a Christian, but I really wasn’t. I had started reading through the Bible (a modern paraphrase of it) in late elementary school, and the seed of faith that was in my heart grew as I read and prayed, and sensed God’s presence in my life. I loved God and Jesus and knew that my prayers were heard and answered, even though they didn’t always get answered in the way I was praying they would. And as my faith grew, so did this awareness of being trapped inside a body…
(continued in part 2)
I’d be lying on the sofa in the middle of a Saturday afternoon and suddenly I’d get this weird feeling, like: "What is this life I’m living? Where did I come from and where am I going?" And this was at a pretty early age…maybe late elementary school or young teen years.
I grew up in a Christian family, which does not mean a perfect family, but a pretty good family... I had a mom (she’s still living—89 years old) and dad who loved me and taught me about God. I also grew up with two sisters, with about five years between us, and yes…I’m the middle child. My mom and dad taught me to obey certain rules, like: don’t go to movies, don’t dance, don’t have sex before marriage, etc. And they encouraged me to do certain things, like: play the piano with expression, care about what others think, share the gospel message, and give to the church and missions.
Because of the rules, I didn’t go to my first movie until age 13. It was The Poseidon Adventure, and I loved the experience of going to it with my best friend. But it wasn’t my first step into life beyond the rules. A few years earlier I had fiercely debated my mom over the pros and cons (or apparent indecencies) of dancing in gym class. It was a thrilling day when I finally won, and got to dance the gym class away with all of my peers. The victory was relished…even though I knew the only reason she gave in was because I told her that another church elder’s son was dancing with the class. Nevertheless, it was a victory in truth for me. I couldn’t see why it was wrong, and it turned out I was right. Or at least my argued assumption was determined reasonable enough to allow me to dance in that direction.
You might think I was a little resentful about being raised a Christian, but I really wasn’t. I had started reading through the Bible (a modern paraphrase of it) in late elementary school, and the seed of faith that was in my heart grew as I read and prayed, and sensed God’s presence in my life. I loved God and Jesus and knew that my prayers were heard and answered, even though they didn’t always get answered in the way I was praying they would. And as my faith grew, so did this awareness of being trapped inside a body…
(continued in part 2)
Monday, December 26, 2011
Am I foolish?
Loving Jesus Christ can make me seem a fool...and I’m okay with that. It’s actually what the Bible talks about in I Corinthians 3 and 4. Paul was talking to some of the early believers in Corinth when he wrote about his frustration that he can’t talk to them as he would to spiritual people, but rather he must talk to them as he would talk to people of this world. Why? Because they were still being controlled by their sinful nature...
Does that mean spiritual talk sounds like foolishness? Well, of course it can. We generally put high value on what we can see, so approaching Christianity – following Jesus Christ – from a physical, only what we can see point of view, can seem fairy-tale-ish, and certainly not like talk for thinking, reasoning people.
And when does spirtual talk sound wise? Well, like many things, it’s a paradox. When you begin to receive the wisdom of God - when it begins to sound wise to you - that's the time you begin to sound foolish to “the world,” at least from one perspective. Paul says (chapter 2) that “people who aren’t spiritual can’t receive these truths from God’s Spirit. It all sounds foolish to them and they can’t understand it, for only those who are spiritual can understand what the Spirit means.” (vs. 14 NLT)
We just celebrated Christmas. And to many it’s simply a tale…like Santa Claus…a tradition that seems to enhance our otherwise rather cold, physical life. Yet to those who believe in Jesus, Christmas celebrates a beautiful, true story of redemption. A story that begins with hearing the facts about Jesus’ life, and, when eyes are opened by the grace of God, a story which ends with belief in an empty tomb and life eternal in a perfect place. A perfect place, which I can't help but suggest, each of our hearts longs for no matter what we believe...
Is this foolishness? To hearts and minds that have not been opened by God’s Spirit and grace – I would think so. But there are many wise people who have examined the case for belief in Jesus Christ from intellectual and historical perspectives and come away from that examination following Him. The evidence is convincing. Yet at some point during the examination of facts, spiritual eyes must be opened.
So this season I encourage you to know what you believe and live it. (I’m encouraging myself, as well...) If you believe in Christ, fully believe and take God at His Word. See with spiritual eyes and let His Spirit fill you each day. Follow Him.
And if you don’t believe, then fully disbelieve. Don’t let yourself think that you can accept the pieces that are most palatable to you, and leave the rest behind. Don’t be double minded, serving both this world, and yet trying to have a foot in the spiritual world, as well. An option like that isn’t ours to create/choose. If you disagree with this…I respect your choice to do so, but please don’t disagree without investigation and a prayer for spiritual truth (even an “if there is one true God...” sort of prayer).
As we head into a new year, it is my hope that your heart be drawn to Jesus. That your spiritual eyes will be opened, and you will experience the joy (notably not the same as “trouble-free life”) that will be yours in Him.
Always,
-annie
Does that mean spiritual talk sounds like foolishness? Well, of course it can. We generally put high value on what we can see, so approaching Christianity – following Jesus Christ – from a physical, only what we can see point of view, can seem fairy-tale-ish, and certainly not like talk for thinking, reasoning people.
And when does spirtual talk sound wise? Well, like many things, it’s a paradox. When you begin to receive the wisdom of God - when it begins to sound wise to you - that's the time you begin to sound foolish to “the world,” at least from one perspective. Paul says (chapter 2) that “people who aren’t spiritual can’t receive these truths from God’s Spirit. It all sounds foolish to them and they can’t understand it, for only those who are spiritual can understand what the Spirit means.” (vs. 14 NLT)
We just celebrated Christmas. And to many it’s simply a tale…like Santa Claus…a tradition that seems to enhance our otherwise rather cold, physical life. Yet to those who believe in Jesus, Christmas celebrates a beautiful, true story of redemption. A story that begins with hearing the facts about Jesus’ life, and, when eyes are opened by the grace of God, a story which ends with belief in an empty tomb and life eternal in a perfect place. A perfect place, which I can't help but suggest, each of our hearts longs for no matter what we believe...
Is this foolishness? To hearts and minds that have not been opened by God’s Spirit and grace – I would think so. But there are many wise people who have examined the case for belief in Jesus Christ from intellectual and historical perspectives and come away from that examination following Him. The evidence is convincing. Yet at some point during the examination of facts, spiritual eyes must be opened.
So this season I encourage you to know what you believe and live it. (I’m encouraging myself, as well...) If you believe in Christ, fully believe and take God at His Word. See with spiritual eyes and let His Spirit fill you each day. Follow Him.
And if you don’t believe, then fully disbelieve. Don’t let yourself think that you can accept the pieces that are most palatable to you, and leave the rest behind. Don’t be double minded, serving both this world, and yet trying to have a foot in the spiritual world, as well. An option like that isn’t ours to create/choose. If you disagree with this…I respect your choice to do so, but please don’t disagree without investigation and a prayer for spiritual truth (even an “if there is one true God...” sort of prayer).
As we head into a new year, it is my hope that your heart be drawn to Jesus. That your spiritual eyes will be opened, and you will experience the joy (notably not the same as “trouble-free life”) that will be yours in Him.
Always,
-annie
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Go out and...
…stand. That’s essentially what Jahaziel told the people of Judah and Jerusalem when they heard that a vast army was marching toward them. He said God told him to tell them…
How did that work for them, I wondered? Well, I read that they did march out the next morning, and they went out singing. Here’s what they sang:
At the moment their singing began, the opposing allied (at least previously) armies, began fighting against each other so that by the time the army of Judah arrived to the wilderness battle site, all they saw were the dead bodies of their enemies. And all they had done was go out prepared to stand! (I did notice they had to put on courage enough to go out... He didn't tell them to remain in the coziness of camp, did he?)
Before I read this yesterday, I was rather discouraged. There seems to be a lot of spiritual warfare going on around me these days...and I was feeling intimidated and rather worn out, and discouraged about how to live a life of meaning when it feels so difficult to simply live with prioritized purpose each day. And when my destiny seems undefined and most elusive…
But after the Holy Spirit led me to this passage and I’ve had time to dwell on it a bit, I’ve got a new stance I’m trying out. It’s a stance that doesn’t require fighting. In fact fighting isn’t even allowed. Instead, at least figuratively, I’m going out into the world each morning, and my standing looks something like this: My left hand is raised slightly in a fist at the evil in this world, and my right arm is lifted high in praise to my God, swaying to the melody coming from my lips as I sing toward the heavens:
It’s my victory stance. And I don’t even have to fight. The battle is the Lord’s.
And while the stance is meant to be figurative, I was repeating the praise phrase in many forms today: silently, whispered out loud, and yes, even a little in song. There is peace; there is power; there is victory. Just go out singing and stand...
…to not be afraid.
…to not be discouraged.
…that the battle is God’s.
…to march out against them.
…to not fight, but to take their positions.
…to believe in the Lord your God, and you will be able to stand firm.
…to watch the Lord’s victory.
How did that work for them, I wondered? Well, I read that they did march out the next morning, and they went out singing. Here’s what they sang:
“Give thanks to the Lord; his faithful love endures forever!” (2 Chron. 20:21 NIV)
At the moment their singing began, the opposing allied (at least previously) armies, began fighting against each other so that by the time the army of Judah arrived to the wilderness battle site, all they saw were the dead bodies of their enemies. And all they had done was go out prepared to stand! (I did notice they had to put on courage enough to go out... He didn't tell them to remain in the coziness of camp, did he?)
Before I read this yesterday, I was rather discouraged. There seems to be a lot of spiritual warfare going on around me these days...and I was feeling intimidated and rather worn out, and discouraged about how to live a life of meaning when it feels so difficult to simply live with prioritized purpose each day. And when my destiny seems undefined and most elusive…
But after the Holy Spirit led me to this passage and I’ve had time to dwell on it a bit, I’ve got a new stance I’m trying out. It’s a stance that doesn’t require fighting. In fact fighting isn’t even allowed. Instead, at least figuratively, I’m going out into the world each morning, and my standing looks something like this: My left hand is raised slightly in a fist at the evil in this world, and my right arm is lifted high in praise to my God, swaying to the melody coming from my lips as I sing toward the heavens:
“His love endures forever.”
It’s my victory stance. And I don’t even have to fight. The battle is the Lord’s.
And while the stance is meant to be figurative, I was repeating the praise phrase in many forms today: silently, whispered out loud, and yes, even a little in song. There is peace; there is power; there is victory. Just go out singing and stand...
Thursday, October 27, 2011
What I believe
Contrary to what many people think, Jesus wasn’t killed, even though He died on a cross. He gave up His life, or the cross never would have happened. His accusers, His enemies, were not able to take His life, though many think they did. This is a really crucial distinction...one not to miss.
You see if Jesus was truly God’s Son, He must have power. And if He’s not God’s Son, then He’s a liar and I, for one, wouldn’t want to follow Him. In fact, I would be a fool to follow Jesus unless He is the Son of God. Without His deity, He’s a lunatic, and I prefer not to follow lunatics. So He had to have the power not to die...not to be killed, and He did have that power (read John 19). Not only did He powerfully die, but He’s powerfully alive. The tomb, and all the natural laws of biological science, could not contain His death.
But how do I know He’s alive? I know because He lives in and with me. His Spirit is my Comforter and my Counselor. His Word gives me daily food to sustain me, and His joy will not be traded for anything. Can I understand how all this spiritual stuff can be? No. But there are lots of things I don’t understand, which I believe in, such as love, hope, elaborate mathematical equations, astronomical facts, etc. The proof, for me, is His presence with me. A presence which cannot be understood unless it is experienced... And it cannot be experienced without belief.
Therefore, I hope that many will come to believe and follow Him – for their benefit. It’s the best decision one could ever make in life, and it’s the only decision that will ever matter in death. And despite what some people think, it’s not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of power – of faith in the power of God.
There is a weak sort of Christianity going around. A Christianity that has become a religion more than belief in a powerful, merciful God… I despise that religion for diminishing my Lord. Jesus was not killed on a cross; He went to the cross intentionally (for my sake), and powerfully gave up His life, and powerfully got it back again, and powerfully lives in me. Belief, with the very power of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, is not any old belief. It’s not just another religion. It’s a truthful, powerful way of life and death...with joy that will not be traded for anything.
If you can find someone better to believe in and follow, let me know. For of course there’s no box to check that says “I don’t believe in anything.” Choose this day who you will serve.
You see if Jesus was truly God’s Son, He must have power. And if He’s not God’s Son, then He’s a liar and I, for one, wouldn’t want to follow Him. In fact, I would be a fool to follow Jesus unless He is the Son of God. Without His deity, He’s a lunatic, and I prefer not to follow lunatics. So He had to have the power not to die...not to be killed, and He did have that power (read John 19). Not only did He powerfully die, but He’s powerfully alive. The tomb, and all the natural laws of biological science, could not contain His death.
But how do I know He’s alive? I know because He lives in and with me. His Spirit is my Comforter and my Counselor. His Word gives me daily food to sustain me, and His joy will not be traded for anything. Can I understand how all this spiritual stuff can be? No. But there are lots of things I don’t understand, which I believe in, such as love, hope, elaborate mathematical equations, astronomical facts, etc. The proof, for me, is His presence with me. A presence which cannot be understood unless it is experienced... And it cannot be experienced without belief.
Therefore, I hope that many will come to believe and follow Him – for their benefit. It’s the best decision one could ever make in life, and it’s the only decision that will ever matter in death. And despite what some people think, it’s not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of power – of faith in the power of God.
There is a weak sort of Christianity going around. A Christianity that has become a religion more than belief in a powerful, merciful God… I despise that religion for diminishing my Lord. Jesus was not killed on a cross; He went to the cross intentionally (for my sake), and powerfully gave up His life, and powerfully got it back again, and powerfully lives in me. Belief, with the very power of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, is not any old belief. It’s not just another religion. It’s a truthful, powerful way of life and death...with joy that will not be traded for anything.
If you can find someone better to believe in and follow, let me know. For of course there’s no box to check that says “I don’t believe in anything.” Choose this day who you will serve.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Who is Jesus?
Lately, I’ve been reading through the book of John, and I’ve found myself wondering how many people in the U.S. really know who Jesus is? Do they realize the names He was called? Do they know the things He was accused of, ridiculed for, and eventually crucified because of? Here are a few things He did, and was called, according to John:
Do people really pause, consider, and determine to follow this Jesus? This one who was hated by religious leaders so much that He was called a devil?
Jesus said: “Why should you be angry with me for healing a man on the Sabbath? Look beneath the surface so you can judge correctly.” John 7:23 & 24 (NLT) Maybe we should try to look beneath the surface a little more… When I look beneath the surface of my own heart, it’s pretty ugly. Then I read the truth about me in Isaiah 49:16 (NLT):
Jesus wore my name on the palms of His hands - on a cross. He purchased my freedom from all the ugly things in my heart. My heart has been made new! This is who I follow. This is who gives my life meaning.
I’m incredibly honored to be a follower of Jesus Christ and all that He stands for. Who are you following?
• Jesus talked to a particular woman, when it was politically incorrect to do so, much to the surprise of His disciples.
• Jesus broke the Sabbath law several times.
• Jesus talked about God as His Father even though it was dangerous to do so.
• Jesus was deserted by many followers because His message was too hard to accept.
• Jesus was called a fraud, a deceiver.
• Jesus was declared demon possessed.
• Jesus was called a Samaritan devil.
Do people really pause, consider, and determine to follow this Jesus? This one who was hated by religious leaders so much that He was called a devil?
Jesus said: “Why should you be angry with me for healing a man on the Sabbath? Look beneath the surface so you can judge correctly.” John 7:23 & 24 (NLT) Maybe we should try to look beneath the surface a little more… When I look beneath the surface of my own heart, it’s pretty ugly. Then I read the truth about me in Isaiah 49:16 (NLT):
“See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands.”
Jesus wore my name on the palms of His hands - on a cross. He purchased my freedom from all the ugly things in my heart. My heart has been made new! This is who I follow. This is who gives my life meaning.
I’m incredibly honored to be a follower of Jesus Christ and all that He stands for. Who are you following?
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
God is stronger
Why would a conference begin with preaching about our “galactic God” and end by inviting certain people to stand and be prayed for and others to sit and be prayed for. I mean, isn’t that just like us humans? And why does this particular exercise bug me so? Perhaps because I was in the sitting group, and once again I felt like I was not one of the “good Christians.” Nevertheless, even so, why do I really care, I ask myself? If I don’t agree with the “exercise,” which I ended up sitting through, who really cares, and why should I? It’s not that big of a deal, right?
I can only answer this by saying that I think it was the tipping point for me… It was one too many restrictive boxes that people, and not God, have tried to put me into my entire life. It was the final human-built straw that broke my very spirit and sent me into the ladies room to have a good cry.
The pastor who conducted this final prayer “exercise” had good intentions, I hope…and I really do think he did. And perhaps it was a strategic exercise for some in a positive way. All I know is that evil tried to use it for my harm. It wagged its ugly finger at me one more time to try to get me to give up and shut up. And I refuse.
I may be a woman, and a divorced one at that… I may not be perfect; I've had to confess many wrongdoings in my life. And at the final resurrection I absolutely will be unable to claim any merit of salvation but by the blood of Jesus Christ. And I declare that I refuse to let the blood of my Lord be wasted! I am free from sin; I’m a slave of Jesus Christ and no one else. People can try to keep me in my “place,” and preachers may be able to keep me in my chair, but Jesus has elevated me to a status that no one can take away: redeemed! I am His treasured daughter, who can and does approach the throne of grace boldly to receive grace to help in my time of need.
I’m really, really tired of human structures and human exercises. Even though I hope and trust no ill intent was in play, I also know that ill intent was in play by forces unseen. Forces which wanted to derail me once and for all…which wanted me to give up and accept shame as my cloak. And I renounce those forces. My God is stronger. He’s galactic!
I can only answer this by saying that I think it was the tipping point for me… It was one too many restrictive boxes that people, and not God, have tried to put me into my entire life. It was the final human-built straw that broke my very spirit and sent me into the ladies room to have a good cry.
The pastor who conducted this final prayer “exercise” had good intentions, I hope…and I really do think he did. And perhaps it was a strategic exercise for some in a positive way. All I know is that evil tried to use it for my harm. It wagged its ugly finger at me one more time to try to get me to give up and shut up. And I refuse.
I may be a woman, and a divorced one at that… I may not be perfect; I've had to confess many wrongdoings in my life. And at the final resurrection I absolutely will be unable to claim any merit of salvation but by the blood of Jesus Christ. And I declare that I refuse to let the blood of my Lord be wasted! I am free from sin; I’m a slave of Jesus Christ and no one else. People can try to keep me in my “place,” and preachers may be able to keep me in my chair, but Jesus has elevated me to a status that no one can take away: redeemed! I am His treasured daughter, who can and does approach the throne of grace boldly to receive grace to help in my time of need.
I’m really, really tired of human structures and human exercises. Even though I hope and trust no ill intent was in play, I also know that ill intent was in play by forces unseen. Forces which wanted to derail me once and for all…which wanted me to give up and accept shame as my cloak. And I renounce those forces. My God is stronger. He’s galactic!
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